For Northstar Academy (NSA) Alumni

While perusing old files from my first computer, I stumbled across a song that I & two others created without ever being in the same room together. This song was in celebration of the online academy we attended. At that time, NSA under its founder arguably had a “wild west” approach to student socialization; the “Cafe” area (a collection of many folder forums) was like a PG/PG13-rated version of 4chan. In true 90s-kids-discovering-Myspace fashion, the pecking order was established mainly by how many fellow students had signed one’s profile (“resume”) guest list, how elaborate one’s forum signature was, and how creative/destructive one was reputed to be within the Cafe’s role-play-writing games (mostly Lord of the Rings & Star Wars themed). Considering NSA mostly consisted of Christian homeschoolers–many of them living internationally with missionary parents–our occasional attempts at rowdiness barely registered a blip on the internet’s moral radar. At our edgiest, we would make fun of those slightly more uptight than ourselves, or maintain than the NSA acronym actually stood for “No Singles Allowed” (a tongue-in-cheek reference to the many long-distance romances facilitated by the Cafe).

Under new management the Cafe’s controversial RPG and Debate folders were closed, and I was unceremoniously banned from my Alumni account for a bit of snark directed at a small contingent of fundamentalists still maintaining in the early 2000s that rock ‘n roll is “the devil’s music.” The online community immortalized in our song was no more.

As an elegy to that original NSA, which afforded me great friends (and great creative writing experience), I present for your listening pleasure the song in question.

“No Singles Allowed”

Vocals, Drums, Editing: Jon B.

Lead Guitar: Jason C.

Rhythm Guitar, Lyrics: Christopher W.

I’m surrounded my MKs who love Reliant K almost every day

I double-click to go to school, in my PJs aren’t I cool?

No Singles Allowed, I hang with the random crowd

The Cafe’s gonna get loud, so many posts the server’s gonna break down!

No Singles Allowed, I hang with the random crowd

The Cafe’s gonna get loud, so many posts the server’s gonna break down!

It’s a great place to debate if you don’t mind online hate

Don’t talk predestination, it makes them go irate

You don’t like rock–are you straight?

(Guys my throat hurts really bad)

No Singles Allowed, I hang with the random crowd

The Cafe’s gonna get loud, so many posts the server’s gonna break down!

No Singles Allowed, I hang with the random crowd

The Cafe’s gonna get loud, so many posts the server’s gonna break down!

I’m the king of the Cafe

Five weeks behind in my class

Slayer of the first-years

My guest list none shall surpass

Lord of the Sith

Master of the Jedi

Servant to the Queen of Dorks

Zapping from on high

Creator of the mass chats

Maker of the threads

With a signature so awesome

That it inspires dread

Bane of the teachers

Of the Geezerbee elite

Affixed will be my name

In Northstar history!

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